Archive for August, 2008

I am feeling the need again.

I am also feeling so damn sad and fidgety and a little sleeeeeeeepy.

I don’t know why am so sleepy. I had almost 4 hours sleep last night.

Doesn’t that sound all rock’n'roll, youthful and annoyingly boastful in that way that makes you want to slap anyone under the age of 25 and pity anyone over 26?

I guess it does but for the full tale I must take you back to about 2.15am this morning.

[At this point, I must own up and admit that this is now Sunday as I practically fell asleep at the keyboard whilst writing the bit above this. So, where was I....]

It was dark, warm and Plymouth Hoe was as quiet as the moon. Three friends were sitting in a burgundy Rover 214SE in the only filled parking space on the seafront. It seemed like a mad and crazy idea – let’s go and eat our chips up on the Hoe said I as we stood crammed in a steamy chip shop 10 minutes earlier. It’s the kind of improvisational and impetuous thing I do about once every three years so no-one should have really been surprised. Indeed they weren’t. Instead they were a bit pissed. Just a bit.

Before the chips…1.28am

“What do you want to do?

We can do anything you want to do.” said Neil.

“I want chips.” said Julie.

“Yeah. Let’s have chips.” said Claire.

“Where are we going to get chips at this time of the morning?” said Neil.

“How about we try that chip shop over there?” said Claire.

“I like saying chips. I have been saying stupid things all day haven’t I?” said Julie

“Yes you have” said Neil

“Hangbags” said Julie and then she giggled. A lot.

There I was, sober as a judge having spent the last few hours knocking back Diet Coke with lots of ice, a piece or lime or lemon (for some reason, I couldn’t have both) and a slightly camp straw. Despite this, Julie saying “Hangbags” was still the funniest thing I had heard since about 11am that morning when she first said it.

Claire laughed more out of politeness than anything else. She was also a bit pissed, which helped.

A little before this, about midnight…

Blush was starting to empty and in a moment Hayley and the other more adventurous folk were off to C103 to jump up and down to loud stuff. I was completely unprepared for her leaving so soon and all of a sudden. All day I had been busy buying her presents, wrapping her presents and writing in her card(s) and getting other people to write in her cards. Now there she was. I hugged her for about 15 seconds and then couldn’t think of anything to say. And then I thought of something to say but my voice had vanished. And then she had gone.

Shit. I want to try that again…

5 minutes earlier…

“I think I might go with Hayley.” said Julie.

“Ok.” said Neil

“You don’t approve”, said Julie.

“Don’t be silly. It’s just that you said to me about 4 hours ago. Don’t let me go clubbing. There won’t be anyone still awake at home to you in and besides, your handbag is in my car boot.”, said Neil.

“Ok. I won’t go we will stay here”, said Julie.

“Sure?”, said Neil

“Yes, I’ll stay here then.”, said Julie.

“Ok”, said Neil.

Much earlier…about 10:30pm

I had never been to Blush before except to drop someone off there after work. Coincidentally and for no other reason, it was the previously, aforementioned Claire. That was for Paul’s leaving do. He was there too. On Friday I mean. Obviously he was at his own leaving do. I have just realised that I told him that I wouldn’t be going to his leaving do because I don’t like going out after work. Still, he appeared pleased to see me on Friday and was obviously too tanked up to be concerned by the finer degrees of irony and transparent deception. Rest assured Paul, I no longer go out after work.

So there I was at Blush. Today, Hayley was leaving the MDEC where I we both work. Where we all work actually. By the time we had finished that work thing we do it was 9.50pm and by the time the ladies had changed into their sparkly tops and impractical footwear it was substantially later. Glittering and smelling nice, they emerged from the ladies loo where the air was now a deadly mix of 10% breathable air and 90% chemically achieved pleasant smelliness. Those who didn’t drink then drove those who intended to.

Fortune smiled at me as I drove into the last available parking space outside Blush and then it pissed in my drink as I realised that (after spending £2.20 on a parking ticket) all the spaces on the other side of the road were free.

Everyone who was everyone was there, including to almost everyone’s surprise, “me”. I have never felt more like someone’s grandad in my life. “Jesus, Neil’s here…” and other such exclamtions filled the air. I really must go out after work more often, if only to shift the attention to others. I just hope I don’t run into Papworth too often or my tissue-thin cover story is completely blown.

Highlight of the evening was me being snapped by Smiles-On-The-Tiles. Well, it was for me anyway. That’s Chris Vogler with me. He is tall but not as tall as it appears. Unless I am shorter than I thought and people have been lying to me.

See more pics of me and my mates at smileonthetiles.com

Almost there…9pm

Have you ever watched a really sad film and tried so hard not to cry that you get a headache and/or a pain in your throat. Try feeling like for 8 hours. The only thing that stopped me from disappearing into a quiet corner and actually crying was my little friend who was trying even harder. Actually, she failed 3 or 4 times but no one laughs at women who do it do they?

The traditional “someone is leaving” time of 9pm arrived and Mr Petrie did a very nice speech that at least one of us took the piss out of. The truth is, I couldn’t have done it and very few others would have got through it.

By now, those of you who don’t know Hayley will be suspecting what a nice person she is, how much everyone loved her and how much everyone is going to miss her. Now, write down how much you think you suspect on a piece of paper. Rip into very small pieces and then rip each very small piece into even smaller pieces and then go and find a very big bit of paper. Get some sellotape and stick it to many, many, many other bigger pieces of paper. Then, if you write really, really small you might be able to fit the amount on. You will probably have to write on the back too.

I took her card around probably 100 people and not one of them had to pause to think of what to write.

Earlier…2.02pm at work…

We arrived at work fashionably (almost) late and laden down with bags. This followed the mother of all pre-work present-buying crusades with Julie and Naomi. I am sorry if the following bit makes my male readers feel the need to sit down in a darkened room but in the space of two and bit hours, I went to a jewellers, a strange hippy-type, new age shop which sold crystal jewellery that kept dragons at bay, Tescos, a teddy bear factory, an off-licence, a balloon shop for whom the idea of someone leaving work appeared to be an unknown and ridiculous concept and most scarily of all for me…Hotel Chocolat…

There being just enough time, I squeezed in a very bad (for me) but very nice tasting bacon buttie and a huge coffee on the Hoe (more of that later or sooner depending on which order you read this and which order your brain processes reverse sequential timeframes).

All I wanted to do, as my car finally got to work was go to sleep.

Friday 29th August 10.30am…

“Everyone remember where we parked, because I never do.” said Neil.

Disbelievingly, Naomi and Julie laughed…Julie not quite so hard as Naomi, who was embarking on her first trip to the shops with Neil.

I hate the Mall. I even hate that it insists on calling itself a Mall. It’s huge and loud and I hate it. I once bought a tie there and was asked if I wanted a clip-on one. You get my point.

Still, there is a Starbucks. But where isn’t there?

So it’s 10.35am, I am parked, I have good company and only a few hours to buy nice things for a female.

Outside Dingles is a little stall where a wild-eyed man is offering anyone a free stress test.

“Excuse me…”

“F**k off. What do you know about stress”…

Not 200 yards later, an idiot in a stained and dirty blue t-shirt wants to talk to us…yes US..about breast cancer. Considering how much we had to do, I think he got off lightly with our stony, silent reply.

“Ooooh look. Handbags…Shoes….”

7.30am…

Shit. Hayley is leaving today.

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